Dynamic Discussion and Dialogue Starters for Leaders and Managers

Dynamic Discussion and Dialogue Starters presents 21 ways to get people talking. Use them:

• To get a meeting going
• To energize a team.
• To brighten a relationship
• To stimulate your own creative thinking
• To lessen stress at work
• To get unstuck during a long project
• To promote experience sharing and commonalities
• To look at things in a new way
• To take a break
• To reward a hard-working group
• To  think creatively about work and life

But wait! There’s more!

Each Starter begins with an intriguing question for the leader to ask, followed by easy-to-read tips and anecdotes that can be used as handouts or simply notes for the discussion leader to promote richer discussion and elicit commonalities around a theme.

DISCUSSION AND DIALOGUE STARTERS FOR LEADERS AND MANAGERS Contents:
Below you will find these starters followed by short vignettes and tips.

1. Question: How can you make life and work mud-luscious?
2. Question: How can you get unstuck?
3. Question: What ten things do you believe in?
4. Question: How can we get that New Year’s Resolution feeling today?
5. Question: How can we make new friends but keep the old?
6. Question: How can we be more aware of change and what can we do about it?
7. Question: How can we start anew?
8. Question: What keeps you healthy?
9. Question: Are we communicating or are we assuming?
10. Question: How can we do some spring-cleaning and refreshing around here?
11. Question: How can we be more aware of what’s around us?
12. Question: How can we lighten up?
13. Question: What can we do to make the most of holiday parties around here?
14. Question: As leaders, how can we listen better?
15. Question: What low-cost things do you do to reduce stress that always work?
16. Question: Where is our passion?
17. Question: How can we approach change with a new perspective?
18. Question: How can we be observant and contributing at work every day?
19. Question: How’s your inside doing?
20. Question: How can we learn to be better at conversation?
21. Question: How can we show appreciation better?

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #1

Question: How can you make life and work mud-luscious?

I remember the opening lines of a poem I read as a competitive poetry reader for the speech team of Woodruff High School in Peoria, Illinois. Those of you who were on such a team remember the thrill of loading onto a bus on a Saturday morning and heading off to see how you stood in the secondary school world of oral interpretation.

This particular poem was by e.e. cummings, a poet who wrote with no punctuation, like we write email today! Here’s how it went:

In just spring
When the world is mud luscious
The little lame balloon man
Whistles
Far and wee

Mud luscious: What perfect words for spring!

And what perfect words for the challenges faced by today’s business professionals!

Your world is mud-luscious too! You can either get mired or inspired. Take a look at where you’re at:

1. The time of year
You can get mucked up in the beginnings of another new year that looks rough or the potential of what’s ahead can inspire you.

2. The state of your changing field or the economy
You can stay in old habits of communication and marketing and customer service or you can get aboard with technology and trends in spite of the economy.

3. The relationships you develop
You can keep trying to do it all yourself or you can network, partner, and collaborate with someone who wants to win with you.

I invite you to put on your mud boots, grab an umbrella that closes because it won’t be rainy all the time, grab a business partner’s hand and take a wonderful walk to success!

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #2

Question: How can you get unstuck?

Some periods of life feel like the dog days of August when hot air, steamy pavements, and long lazy days abound. Of all times of year, August is perhaps the hardest time to get motivated about anything. In August, as in many times of year, what people need is a way to get a jump-start on the upcoming craziness—now before their schedule fills up. Even small moves can help.

How can you make winning moves every day?

Especially when you’re feeling unmotivated, it’s a sign that it’s time to get the edge on everybody else. Here are seven ways to get out of the doldrums—cheap, easy things to do to help you take first steps.

***Seven Simple Moves to Get Unstuck***

1. Look through an old scrapbook. You will access where you are now, where you dreamed you’d be, and where you can head to next.
2. Read a new newspaper or a new section of the old one to jog your intellect.
3. List ten things you’re thankful for to begin to prioritize what you value.
4. Ask a friend to comment on your hairstyle and look in a fashion magazine to find a new look.
5. Write a thank-you note to a coworker to show you appreciate them.
6. Write to your mom or dad or sibling to keep them up to date and keep you in perspective.
7. Try something you haven’t done and allow yourself to make a mistake.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #3

Question: What ten things do you believe in?

As you consider and write them down, don’t contemplate too long. Give yourself a few minutes to find your core beliefs. Here are mine for today:

TEN THINGS I BELIEVE IN

I believe that…

1. We are responsible for our own happiness.
2. We should spend our days in work or endeavor we have passion for.
3. A healthy body is our responsibility.
4. A healthy soul is our responsibility.
5. A healthy mind is our responsibility.
6. Love is essential.
7. Children are the most precious resource on earth.
8. True lifetime friends are the salt of the earth.
9. It’s good to do some things alone.
10. To look forward to seeing someone with great anticipation is one of the best free gifts life gives.

That’s my list. What would yours be? Mine took five minutes to write. Can you find time to make one? If you do, share it with the rest of the people you care about.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #4

Question: How can we get the New Year’s Resolution feeling today?

It’s the New Year and it’s your move. Are you ready? Of course you are! There’s nothing more stimulating than change, and the New Year is the perfect time for making positive changes in your life and work. Too many people just think about what they might do someday. You don’t want to be a part of that procrastinating crowd. Get ready to do something today. Winners take action. They move with their own strategy, timing, wisdom, and courage.

Your Strategy—Plan in Pieces
Ask yourself, “If one thing was different in my life this time next year, what would I like it to be?” Write that down and then list all the small steps you could take to reach your resolution. If you want to be thinner, the first step could be to pick up the phone and make an appointment with a local diet planning system. If you want a better relationship, a first step could be asking that person for time to talk tonight. That’s what taking action is about—doing something, not just thinking about it.

Your Timing—Do it Now
A Chinese proverb states: Man who says it cannot be done should not interrupt man doing it. All solutions lie in the present or future, not the past. While the past brings a good perspective, we can only listen, react, and do new things now.

Your Wisdom—Trust Your Experience
No matter how old you are, you have wisdom. Young mothers have the wisdom of each day’s experience with small children. College students have the wisdom of flexibility and trial and error. Older people have the wisdom of experience. Use your experience to buoy your resolution.

Your Courage—Adjust Your Attitude
Have you got that resolution for the year ready? Write it down now. Adjust your attitude and get ready for positive change. Try these steps:

• Take a deep breath.
• Count to five.
• Listen to your inner voice.
• Say out loud, “I can do this.”
• Work to find the solution in the present.
• Find something positive in each step you take.
• Congratulate yourself!

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #5

Question: How can we make new friends but keep the old?

A few days ago, we took my daughter to camp near a small town in Wisconsin; at a local fruit stand a marquee sign read, ”The time to make friends is before you need them.”

In this economy in these times, that sign has poignant meaning. Nearly a million Americans are out of work every month. CEO turnover is now every 2.5 years. Costs rise and incomes fall. You really need your friends now. Being a professional is all about being a part of a community … a community of other professionals and friends. This month, as summer sun warms you and change washes in at every new wave, make a note to make new friends and cherish the old ones.

This year marked our 21st wedding anniversary; time has passed quickly and I cherish the many wonderful people we have met together over the years. I used to sing a round in Brownie Scouts that went,

”Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.”

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #6

Question: How can we be more aware of change and what can we do about it?

Folk singer Bob Dylan wrote in 1964, “For the times—they are a changin’!” Forty years later, he could sing it again, and with emphasis!

To succeed today, these are the times to be in sync with a changing, diversifying world. Here’s an interesting fact: The incoming 2004 freshman class at the University of California–Berkeley is 45% Asian and 15% Hispanic. The remaining 30% is a blend of whites, blacks, and other cultures. Older workers—Baby Boomers and up—make up 65% of our workforce.

These types of issues are top of mind for many organizations. As they look at their employees, they wonder what they will do to understand diversity, age, and generation differences—to continue productivity in a changing, always competitive environment. Organizations are worried about a less than 1% turnover among their top professionals. How will new employees learn? Who will mentor them?

What can you do personally to help meet the challenges that our changing work population brings? The first step is to LOOK AROUND YOU. If you see yourself surrounded by TOO MANY people who look and sound exactly like you, make a note of it. For example, wonder, “Why are we all women here? Why do we all have kids leaving for college? Why are we all minorities here? Why are all the upper management men?” Likewise, if you see your area changing drastically—smaller, larger, younger, older, or more culturally diverse, make a note of that as well.

The second step is to take initiative and to ASK SOMEONE ELSE who can help you understand why your area, department, or company is the way it is. In the construction insurance industry, for example, younger people are more attracted to sales than to underwriting. So the underwriting area is filled with aging Boomers. In the pharmaceutical research industry, foreign-born workers are finding niches in areas where it is becoming increasingly difficult for American-educated researchers to compete.

The third step is to TAKE ACTION within your control. For example, make sure that you and your work are supported and encouraged by the decisions of those in human resources. If you have doubts, set up an appointment to get the statistics. You should also keep an eye outside, look around at other companies, and learn how your industry may be changing. Many people are also taking foreign language courses to work together better with foreign-born coworkers and managers. You can offer to take new hires out to lunch to learn about their cultures and work styles. Get to know the older workers who may appear to be in a clique or niche but who may actually enjoy helping you learn.

Our work world is definitely changing. Don’t let yourself get caught unaware. Read the paper, watch the news, and be vigilant. Then you’ll be able to make an informed decision as to the best next move for you!

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #7

Question: How can we start anew?

Consider the month of June. June is a month of celebration—of beginnings and ending. In June people graduate and get married and celebrate fatherhood. In June the slight coolness of spring gives way to the heat of summer. June holds the promise of long, sunny days and starlit nights.

At work, you can recreate the promise of June. You can feel accomplishment for what you’ve done well and completed. You know that in the remaining time this year, changes can be made, successes can be built on, and failures can be mended.

In many ways, June holds more promise than January. It brings the wisdom of experience with the excitement of the unknown. What can you do at work to build on that wisdom?

This month, let your work life “bust out all over again.” Don’t get caught in the summer doldrums. ReJUNEvenate this month!

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #8

Question: What keeps you healthy?

The Seattle-Tacoma airport reported 257 laptops lost or abandoned between the months of March 2003 and March 2004. If that’s not an indication that we’re distracted, I don’t know what is!

At the recent international convention of over 12,000 learning professionals who are members of the American Society for Training and Development, attendees indicated that finding balance was a key challenge for their employees. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that after a decade of emphasis on speed and high technology, e-learning, e-communication, and fast Internet problem solving, we are struggling with balance.

Think about what means most to you in life. My business coach, Somers White, would say that health is the most important thing in life—that without it, not much is left. He’s right; you can’t live or love or enjoy family and friends without good health.

What keeps you healthy? For me, it is a regular Saturday morning phone call with my father. Dad’s 85 and when he calls at 8:30 every Saturday morning, my hectic life gets anchored a bit. Dad listens well and comments just as any child, regardless of age, would want—with love and support. No matter how often I’ve made mistakes or how stressed I’ve been, he always has a wise comment.

This month, focus on what keeps you healthy. It most likely goes beyond diet and exercise; it is most likely something that equalizes your emotions. Here are some ideas if you’re looking for emotion equalizers:

1. Call a friend who’s been sick.
2. Plan a family reunion, even if it’s a partial one.
3. Check on an elderly neighbor.
4. Give a child or partner a hug.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #9

Question: Are we communicating or are we assuming?

When it’s March in Chicago I always think green. Of course there’s St. Patrick’s Day. And I look outside the window more. The green grass appears now and then in the beginning of the end of a Chicago winter. And this year, I look out at a new green fence that we had painted last spring.

The green fence is my favorite fence of the three fences we’ve had since living in our city home—tightly bordered by our two kind neighbors and their fences. When you paint a fence in the city, you, in neighborly fashion, tell those on either side of your plans and ask if they have any concerns. Usually, they don’t.

Our fence borders both the yards on the left and right. We asked both neighbors if they had any concerns when we decided to paint it green. Both said, “That’s fine” and the one on the right decided to join us and repaint their fence at the same time—the same color.

So we proceeded; we booked the painters and the day the painters arrived, my husband just happened to mention to the neighbor on the left that the painters would be entering their backyard to paint their side of the fence.

“Oh, I didn’t know you meant that MY side would be painted green!” the neighbor on the left exclaimed. So, after all the set-up there was still an obvious misunderstanding? Luckily, the painters ran into this all the time, and they painstakingly worked on our side only, leaving the other side bare wood.

Isn’t communication a wonderful thing? Just when you think you’ve planned ahead, asked for feedback, and gotten the schedule right, someone still misinterprets your plan.

The tip this month: It never hurts to explain things as thoroughly as you can.

And the bonus tip?  Think spring and enjoy the green—even if it’s only on your side of the fence!

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #10

Question: How can we do some spring-cleaning and refreshing around here?

Your business can reflect the promise of spring any time of year. Freshen it up with color and change. Try just a few new things. Consider any of the following:

1. Update one link on your website. Make it newer, easier, fresher to find, and fun.
2. Write an article that nobody expects you to. Submit it to a small journal that is always begging for articles from an expert like you.
3. Take a child to a local park or just take yourself to a local park and have coffee some morning.
4. While at the park, look at the spring clouds and let your mind wander. See where it takes you.
5. Read a new newspaper or online newsletter. Read it thoroughly and write down one key point you’ll use. Post the point on your file cabinet for one week.
6. Work outside one day. Sit on a sunny porch, veranda, or courtyard and write or make calls.
7. Walk instead of eat lunch. Eat lunch early and have something different and healthy like raisins and nuts and a good old-fashioned large-sized carrot or two.
8. Give thanks for everything that’s growing in your life.
9. Love your work. If you are starting not to love your work, talk with a friend or coworker to help reveal why.
10. Last, take a deep breath and exhale. It’s spring!

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #11

Question: How can we be more aware of what’s around us?

If your job assignment involves training your coworkers, take heed. The days of a 40-minute discussion on one question are gone. Now, if you’re the trainer, you can float a question, gather ideas, pull in job application via breakout groups, role practice and summarize—all in 40 minutes. And if you’re designing workplace instruction, you need to be very skilled to incorporate a startling variety of formats.

Learning experts have always known that adults learn best by getting involved and experiencing application. But it’s never been as important as it is now. With Gen X and Y, the corporate trainer inherits an audience of extreme computer literates who are very analytical and used to trying different angles to reach an answer. On the computer, there are always options, alternatives, and tools to reach conclusions. The computer generations expect that learning will be like that. And rather than resist, Baby Boomer learners are joining in.

The trainer can build on the strengths of today’s learner—strengths such as desire for action and innovation, analytical skill, and the ability to try different approaches. Specifically, here are some ideas:

What can today’s workplace learning leader do?

• Check back often, “How’s everyone doing with this?”
• Ask “What if?” questions.
• Ask for arguments.
• Encourage problem solving in more than one way.
• Take frequent breaks.
• Bring visuals in and out frequently.
• Blend the flip chart or white board with computer visuals.
• Mingle groups and partners frequently.
• Encourage Internet-based or e-zine pre-work.
• Bring different generations into the leadership of the session.

What can today’s business presenter do?

• Be solid with the facts on your customer’s business.
• Be solidly confident of any technology used on the platform.
• Be expertly aware of current events and technologies.
• Be aware the current entertainment and social scene so you can relate to a group’s interests in other dimensions.
• Encourage application via great handouts, brief interchanges, and short interactions.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #12

Question: How can we lighten up?

In a moment of insanity while jogging one morning, I decided it was time to let my kids have a dog. As someone who didn’t ever really get “the pet thing” I have spent the last ten years saying, “No, we can’t handle a dog,” whenever my daughter would ask me.

We had spent the evening before with a couple we’d known a lifetime; married 29 years, their children were all out of the house—working, going to college, and becoming their own persons. Remnants of our conversation must have anchored somewhere in my mind as I jogged, mulling about how quickly life passes and somehow arriving at how ordinary, really, granting the wish of puppy-dom to my kids was in the grand scheme of things.

And so one week later we brought home little Max Maxey, an adorable brown-eyed yellow Labrador retriever with not much of a yelp or bark to his name but lots of inborn chew energy and scouting ability. And so my lesson in love and discipline began. For that’s what a puppy truly teaches.

What do puppies offer?

• Early morning moments thinking of nothing
• Little licks of recognition
• Perspective on the world
• Immediacy
• Reminders about how we learn
• Trust
• An opinion
• Great hugging opportunities
• Great touching opportunities
• A chance to reacquaint with your neighbors
• A focus point for a hectic day
• A focus point for a disjointed family
• A little being to pour out caring upon
• Natural conversation openers with strangers
• A use for those bags the newspaper comes in

What do they lack?

• Discipline of any kind
• An agenda
• Prejudice
• Their dog family (which makes them even more lovable when you realize you’re now their pack)

Love and discipline—taught by Max. The two intertwine to make the relationship work … well, we’re beginning to make it work.

What’s the blend of love and discipline that you need?

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #13

Question: What can we do to make the most of holiday parties around here?

The season of office parties is upon us! After-work events can be fast and furious … and hard to gear up for again. You’re tired, a little irritated that you are at work even longer, and then there’s that punch bowl and the office clown waiting to serve something additional in everyone’s cup. This year, try a different approach to the festivities.

While you’re out shopping for a new holiday tie or sweater, mentally plan your conversation agenda. With whom would you most like to strike up a conversation? If you think ahead about the players, you have the perfect opportunity to meet your goals. How about that tele-service rep you count on daily but never see in person? Or the former boss who has now been promoted in another division? It might be good to jog his or her memory about your past work together.

If you think about it for five minutes, you can plan a nice little strategy. Who do you want to thank, position, learn from, or just laugh with? To make the event not only more fun but also more meaningful, that a little preparation can go a long way to helping you achieve your goals.

Consider holiday party going the action step to move you in the right direction. After all, it’s your party—you can plan if you want to!

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #14

Question: As leaders, how can we listen better?

“The Moon Is Always There”: Tips for the meeting facilitator

One bright, sunny morning I was on the last lap of my daily fast-walk around my neighborhood when I began to approach a slim young mother ahead who was carrying a beautiful baby girl with a cherubic round face and blonde hair. I was nostalgically admiring the child while gaining on the pair, and when I was exactly next to them, the baby pointed up through the sunny sky and said, “Mommy—moon.” Looking up, I saw it—the faint off-white outline of the moon still visible in the morning sky. I smiled at the mother, saying, “Isn’t that great how she can see the moon on this bright day?” “Oh,” said the mother, “Yes, she sees it all the time.”

When you facilitate a meeting or lead adult learning, your sunny day is the material and the meeting facts or research that are bright and presentable, and so it’s easy for your attendees to see the facts, question the research, and explore the theory with you. You could leave it there—a discussion on the obvious, the facts. Or you could work to uncover the moon—the piece that’s always there but may go unnoticed. Consider that the attendees most likely see the moon all the time—their specific and particular use of the facts, data, and theory in their own world. That application is naturally there but you have to help them talk about it. You have to help them point to it.

“I understand your point, and how do you see this affecting your staff with ….”

“This is an important issue, and what we’d really like to sort out of it is ….”

Just like an ever-present outline in the sky, the attendees’ real experiences are waiting to be noticed. It’s up to you, the facilitator.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #15

Question: What low-cost things do you do to reduce stress that always work?

JADE NAILS, the sign said, announcing the small manicurist shop, which had just moved in to an already crowded corridor of urban shops along Chicago’s Clark Street. “OK I’ll try it,” I said to myself one cold winter afternoon. After all, it was only three blocks from my home/office. So, in the middle of a stressful week in the dreary dead of winter, for $12.00 I received a half hour of work-free self-indulgence. Now, Jade Nails is not a beautifully decorated salon; it is a simple storefront owned by a simple Vietnamese couple and their one employee. Their American names are David and Mary and they smile a lot. David speaks the most English and gives the longest, most precise manicure. Mary is about four foot eight inches tall and she knows a few words related to nails. Her hands and smile are gentle.

When my life gets hectic for one reason or another—i.e., my teens, my work, and my relationships—I book a half hour at Jade Nails and $12.00 later I feel renewed. There’s something about the scratchy TV reception, the other street patrons waiting or being attended to, and the golden Buddha and other Buddhist accessories that are just perfect for 30 minutes of escape.

***Your Homework***

When your work and life kick fully in, take a half-hour break. Find your own version of Jade Nails (guys too) —perhaps a coffee shop or a bookstore in your area. Get lost away from your computer and your phone and treat yourself to a simple gift.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #16

Question: Where is our passion?

“It’s May, It’s May…the lusty month of May
That daring month when everyone goes blissfully astray….”
—Sung by the young princess Guinevere

So go the lyrics to a favorite song from Camelot, sung by both Julie Andrews on Broadway and me in Peoria’s Cornstock summer theatre tent when I was 18. I love the song and still hum it every year as May welcomes in the Midwest spring with lilacs and forsythia.

The tip we all can learn from the musical number that Lerner and Lowe wrote is this—take time to go blissfully astray—to break the rules and just enjoy.

What do we need to do at work to find passion?
Do you need to jolt your team into action?
Do you need to look at things in a new way that’s never been done before?
When is the last time you’ve done something for the first time?
What can you do in your personal life?
Do you need to get out of town?
Do you need to shock your kids?

Do it now before you think too much and the passion is gone.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #17

Question: How can we approach change with a new perspective?

A Chinese proverb states: Man who says it cannot be done should not interrupt man doing it.

During times of change and flux in life and work, listen carefully to ideas before projecting your own. Customer service author Clay Carr once stated, “All solutions lie in the present or future, not the past.” While the past brings a good perspective, we can only listen and do new things now. So when you feel a defeatist attitude coming on or surrounding you, do the following:

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Count to five.
3. Listen.
4. Say to yourself,” I am open to new ideas.”
5. Listen again.
6. Share your own idea.
7. Listen again.
8. Work to find the solution in the present.
9. Find one positive thing in the idea.
10. Congratulate yourself and others.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #18

Question: How can we be observant and contributing at work every day?

The Snuggly Corporate Blanket

Let’s begin by thinking about those of you who’ve left the corporate world and have been working independently for a while. You may be graphic artists, babysitters, accountants, or shop owners. Many of you are very happy, but many are not. There’s a feeling in the air for them … a feeling of unrest and readiness to re-enter the folds of the corporate blanket. Other needs have come to the forefront—perhaps to have people around again or to have a regular paycheck that’s not based solely on one person’s daily marketing energy.

My friend Maura jumped in the pool and rejoined the workplace last month. After two years without a job, working freelance as a photographer, she took an offer with an insurance company that always seemed to need customer service representatives. She was explaining to me that she had forgotten how much chat went on at work—the water cooler news, if you will. And she was also chagrined to feel a little out of it—she didn’t know the people yet; she was struggling just to learn her new computer system.

Like Maura, if you’ve been on the outside as an independent or an entrepreneur, you can learn to trust in the strengths and wisdom you’ve developed working on their own. Most likely you have developed good initiative as well as networking, marketing, and time management skills. You’ve probably also learned how to adjust to failure and how to rebound more quickly than the corporate career person. Your new managers will find those same skills extremely valuable.

Listen and learn—lessons for those in the corporate environment or those returning.

So next time you’re at the water cooler, after months or years away, try the following:

1. Listen and observe to the hilt (especially during the first few weeks.)

Every corporation has a culture and the savvy employee picks up on it. The culture is evident in subtle and not so subtle ways—how employees talk to each other, how meetings are treated, the amount of fun and humor, and, of course, how people dress. It’s better to watch first and think about what’s going on around them than to barge in with the wrong move.

2. Start building bridges right away by asking lots of questions. It’s perfectly acceptable to ask why a procedure exists or is done a certain way. It’s clever to find out about hierarchical structures—who reports to whom and for how long. You get to say, “Forgive me. I’m new; can you explain why Tom makes the marketing report when he’s in IT?”

Once inside a corporate structure, employees tend to get lazy about these things. That corporate blanket gets a little too snuggly. So if you’re someone who’s been away awhile, don’t get too warm and comfy; every now and then stick a foot outside and wiggle it. As a new person, you get to ask questions, anyway. That’s part of being new.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #19

Question: How’s your inside doing?

I spoke with a mom the other day who said the most intriguing thing. She said, “Everyone’s always telling me how pretty my daughter is; I tell them, ‘Thank you, but she’s prettier on the inside.’” She went on to explain that her daughter is kind, giving, and looking out for others more often than not. She invites poverty-stricken classmates to her birthday parties and she is careful to include anyone who may feel awkward or shy. She doesn’t like it when her friends make fun of others and she is happiest giggling about silly things.

What would “pretty on the inside” look like to you? We would probably all like to be prettier on the inside. Acknowledge the pieces of yourself that you’re happy with. Everyone has positive qualities. Give yourself credit for your patience or your wit or your tolerance.

Now think about which pieces of yourself are not so admirable? I know I’d like to stop losing my temper with my teenagers. I’d like to think of others more and focus less on me. I’d love to have patience with all types of personalities and behavior styles, especially those different from my own.

In recent months I’ve been paired with an amazing colleague on a coaching project. He has this wonderful ability to give all of his mental energy and talents with 100% commitment to the person or client he’s talking with at the moment. It doesn’t matter if it’s one of his clients or one of his friends, he is consistent. He never lets you down. That’s why people seek him out so often for advice; they know he’ll give them all he’s got. This is a man who is pretty inside.

How does he do that? He goes into exquisite detail; he listens so intently that his responses are perfectly geared to the other’s concern. He doesn’t judge; he accepts. He doesn’t question why; he positions, “have you considered…? ”

Pretty on the inside is the very best pretty to be.

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #20

Question: How can we learn to be better at conversation?

Some people really look forward to entering a room full of people. They relish the chance to have a conversation with someone new. What a world of discovery! They think. Sadly, those people are in the minority. According to my networking guru and friend Lillian, most of us are introverted.

So flash back to the room full of people again. Most people are dying inside. They are introverts though they would never admit it. Connie, my assistant, for example, would rather watch TV in the hotel room than attend the networking gala before the opening speaker at our national speakers conferences.

And our lack of comfort transfers to the telephone, too. My personal trainer, Pam, says she absolutely hates to pick up the phone and have a conversation with a stranger, let alone enter a room full of them.

Pam is the most talented physical trainer I’ve ever met. Her muscles are firm; her technique perfect; her calling out 20 pushups to me at 7:00 AM, not so perfect.

OK, Pam, Connie, and Harold, this is for you. You are probably trying too hard to start the perfect conversation. I suggest that you “dive in” with a simple topic, like the weather or traffic, and then let things progress naturally. “Did you see that snow? It was beautiful.” “Wow, I’ve never seen I-95 so backed up. What’s going on?” Not exactly brilliant, but they do the trick.

Next, you should just listen. Real listening takes concentration and willpower because people love to talk about themselves and what they do. Asking open questions like, “What other things did you learn?” or “How did you decide to do that?” will likely encourage conversation.

The key is getting out and practicing your conversational skills. Making small talk is an art. For example, both authors frequently work with technical people who, while brilliant in their subject areas, are less stellar in their conversational abilities. If you are a technical type who could use some more practice with social conversation, plan a few questions you could ask during a dinner ahead of time. Good questions are simple: “Are you enjoying the conference?” “How is your dinner?” “How did you spend the afternoon?”

DISCUSSION & DIALOGUE STARTER #21

Question: How can we show appreciation better?

Double check that you have said “thank you” to all the gift-givers in your life. Saying “thank you” for a gift, meal, or favor done is always smart; it demonstrates gratitude and fosters good relationships. “Thank you’s” are one of many other kinds of follow-up to maximize the positive relationships in your life and work.

Thank-you notes can actually help you get ahead in a tough job market, as you stay in touch with your network and build your visibility. Taking the time to write a handwritten note can also make you memorable in the eyes of the receiver because so few people do it! Don’t just think about doing it—do it now, and keep notes handy for when the mood strikes. You never know!

Here are some tips for saying thanks:

• Have personalized stationary made or use your company’s official note cards.
• Use the postal service. Sending a thank-you via email does not count. Put a stamp on it and mail it.
• Send your thank-you within 72 hours.
• Keep it short—three sentences will do it. Start by expressing your thanks and then describe why you value the gift, time or favor. End the note by expressing your hope for a future meeting or continued association.